i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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