Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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