Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
