I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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