I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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