I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
