the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
