Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
