you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
