You smell like stripper and shame
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
