His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
