just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
