I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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