Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
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At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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