mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
