If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
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I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
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You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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