My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
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The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
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He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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