Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
