My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
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