I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
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My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
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It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.