I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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