i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
