I showed him my bush... on skype.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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