I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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