mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
