Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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