so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
