so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
is that a dick in a sweater?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
