I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
God, I missed his penis.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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