If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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