Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
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