her vagina looked like bernie madoff
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
