Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
