Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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