dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
