Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Dignity is for republicans.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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