I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
