Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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