my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
