If that was your dad, he is hot
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
