He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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