I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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