I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
