It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
