My sheets look like a crime scene.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
