Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
