Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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