WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
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No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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