can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
