I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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