My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
being pregnant is like rehab
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
