Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I have feelings that need drinking.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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